Quitting Smoking Sucks

I have smoked since I was 12 or 13 and I'm now 29. I have tried to quit a handfull of times before, but each time I would either go for a drink, remove the patch and be smoking again or just sneak a drag here and there. This would cause me to start smoking again and rather more heavily than before I tried to quit. This time I want to quit rather than feeling like I should quit. There are plenty of withdrawal symptoms even when you are on the nicotine patch. I get the shakes and my body temperature changes randomly. The patch gives you a constant level of nicotine through the day and night which, by raising your blood pressure gives you a 'speedy' feeling, like you can't relax because your heart is racing. It's not necessarily a bad thing. At night, if you choose to leave the patch on you have what can only be described as vivid dreams. A few nights ago I was a secret agent, which was great fun, but you wake up not feeling quite rested.

I have a tendency to experience both sides of an inner argument at once. This is certainly true when thinking about quitting smoking; for every positive aspect there is an accompanying negative. For instance; my sense of smell is returning, but the world tends to smell pretty bad. I have the stamina I used to have ten years ago, however I have few outlets for this energy(my apartment is always clean now). I no longer have a reason to go outside for quick breaks through the day, but now I must sit in an office with no windows for most of the day. I can breathe a lot better than I could last week, but I am constantly bringing up dark-colored sputum as my lungs heal. (I work in a hospital now so I use doctory words like borborygmi and ataxic, e.g. I was concerned that a loud borborygmus combined with my general ataxia could cause acute shitty-pants)

I thought I'd be saving money not smoking, but the patches cost slightly less per week than buying cigarettes. I am glad I don't go to bed wheezing and wake up gasping anymore - that shit is scary.